The Mystery of My Sister’s Missing Teeth

Every dysfunctional family has a mystery to solve. Whether it be who broke Grandma’s favorite vase, to how did your beloved pet “just disappear for 7 months?” Yes, that has happened to our family before. 7 months we grieved our black lab dog, until one day as we were taking our evening drive (there was nothing else to do in that God forsaken small town I grew up in- remember that important detail for later in the story) when lo and behold, our dog was out roaming around (we did not have city ordinances for our dogs in this little town either) we called his name and boom- it was a happy fucking family reunion. But that isn’t what I wanted to write about- my ADD sometimes takes over and I when I get started on a certain topic well, you get the picture.

What I want to write about today is a family mystery that has had our family in curtails for many many years. About 33 years to be exact. The mystery of my sister’s two front missing teeth. I am not talking about how a child looses teeth as a normal childhood development- what I mean here is that my sister had her two front teeth missing since she was two years old. As far as we are concerned she did grow these teeth as an infant- and then one day they were gone. Of course it wasn’t that big of a deal, as we all know she would eventually grow her grown-up teeth and all will be right in the world. However, the mystery was always looming over us like a black cloud everywhere we went. How in the hell did she loose her two front teeth?

Drum roll please. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have solved the mystery! Well, I have always known the little secret that haunted our family because I was right there when it happened. I saw it all. I am the witness of the crime and I hold the missing peaces that answers one of the biggest mysteries of my childhood upbringing. Of course I voiced this piece of news to my family, but what you have to understand is that for reasons that I still don’t understand, my voice is not heard with them. For reals. No shitting around. I told them exactly what I saw and how it happened, and they ignored me. Or maybe I didn’t tell them because I was told to keep it secret, and I dreamed about telling them because, well it’s hard to keep a secret- especially when the entire family is mystified with something that you have the answers to. So I have been waiting a long, long time to finally tell the truth of my sister’s two front missing teeth. It’s so fucked up- it’s funny.

So remember the part of the story I told you not to forget- the part about our evening drives around town because there was nothing else to do in our small little community? Good. My sister and I were driving around- well my dad and his buddy were doing the driving and my sister and I were along for the ride, after all were only two and four at the time so obviously we are not doing any of the driving, I mean even though this story is fucked up, it isn’t that fucked up.  It was a sunny day that day, and it was in the middle of the afternoon and my dad and his buddy wanted to go for a drive. No, my dad was not at his workplace providing for his wonderful family- he did not have a job. My dad had a bit of a drinking and drug habit- so working at the time was not really a priority for him. But it saved a lot on childcare costs- oh wait, my grandma and grandpa did that for my parents too- never mind, moving on.

So as I was saying, my sister and I were standing in the back seat of the car while my drunk dad and buddy were driving us down the main street of town. Again this was 33 years ago, so car seats and restraints were not yet established as law, so um, yeah. I distinctly remember how thirsty I was and I really wanted something to drink, after all they had just made a stop at the drive-up liquor store to pick up more booze and well, I wanted something too. So my very generous and kind father handed me his beer and said, “Here you go, take a small sip of that.”  IT. WAS. DISGUSTING!! (for what it’s worth it was a cheap Budweiser , but now I love me a good IPA. Mmmm IPA).

I know, this story isn’t about me and my first taste of beer. So back to my sister and the family mystery. Did I mention it was a sunny day and that the adults in the car were having too much fun drinking and that my sister and I were not buckled in the back seat? I did. Okay, just wanted to remind you of those important factors, because that is how my sister lost her two front teeth! Yup, somehow she managed to open the car door while it was in motion and she tumbled out and rolled onto the side of the road, thankfully not into oncoming traffic, like some badass in a Western Movie. She will be the first to admit that she is indeed a bad ass.

Of course my dad’s buddy and my dad pulled over and made sure she was alright. They wiped off the dirt from her frilly dress, and gave her a pat on the back, as if to say, “Atta girl! Way to be tough!” My dad looked me straight in the eye and put his finger over his lips and I knew exactly what that meant. We were to never speak of this ever again or I would get it. So when ever someone in the family would ask about my sisters two front missing teeth, I pleaded the fifth or said I was too drunk to remember anything- Hmmm come to think of it, maybe I really was and this was all just a drunken dream. 🙂

If you take note of the picture above- you can kinda see her two missing teeth, but I think she was embarrassed about them so she didn’t really smile.

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