Farting- The Art of Seduction?

When we first meet the guy of our dreams, and when the guy meets the girl of his dreams there isn’t much thought about how to seduce the other because the chemistry is so new and exciting. Remember that first kiss? That first make out session? The first time you saw each other naked- sober?  Remember waking up in the arms of your love after some very crazy and intense love making? Awe, yes the newness of a love relationship is exhilarating and intense- no wonder why Hollywood spends millions making movies about it. We love a good love story!

Dan and I’s love story was nothing short of a Hollywood production, including all the drama and tears and laughter that goes with it. Hell, that is what makes love so great right? I can’t think of a better way to learn about each other then going through some drama, tears and laughter. It is what makes life beautiful and worth it. Dan and I are more than determined to make our relationship better than a Hollywood story- so we do what we can to keep the sparks alive. It’s easy to fall into a mudane routine and start taking each other for granted. And that is something Dan and I try very hard to work on.

It is my belief that every wife should learn the art of seduction. Just as we wives want our husbands to keep pursuing us and showing us affection as they did when they first met us. I have found that the three A’s work best when it comes to keeping the sparks alive in my marriage. Staying attractive, available, and taking action. In fact, just the other day I thought I would try and seduce my cowboy (Dan’s sexy name I gave him for reasons I will write about later).

We were in the kitchen cooking and discussing how my Marinara Sauce is so much better than his (see Guacamole Fight), when I thought I would show him how much I appreciate him. Of course, I don’t consider myself an unattractive woman, however, I certainly could not win any beauty contests, mainly because I am clumsy as fuck and I won’t even discuss with you about swimsuit attire- excuse me but I had three babies, one of which was large for gestational age, thank you very much. Yes, my vagina does kick ass, my skin, not so much.

So as I was saying- We were in the kitchen cooking and casually discussing the art of creating wonderful dishes, when I leaned over to Dan stared into his eyes and gave him the sexiest smile I could conjure. My dark brown eyes squinting just a bit, while raising my eyebrows slightly- I wanted him to know that I wanted him. He stared back at me, tilted his head a bit, and asked, “Are you trying to fart or something?”

“WHAAAATT??

Fart?

NOOO you asshole! I was trying to seduce you!”

I probably should have lied though because at that moment, I was completely horrified- embarrassed. I should have looked at his face and said, “ummm, yeah, I was totally trying to fart.” Rather than face the humiliation of just how bad I suck at trying to be seductive. Go figure. I think I will stick to farting- I mean fluffing- as way of seduction because I know how to do that, no problem!

So folks, keep the fire burning and the sparks flying. Dan and I will be busy doing our part to keep our love from going stale one seductive fart at a time- as it turns out, Dan likes me just the way I am .

 

 

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