The sun was beginning to set and the different colors of orange, red and purple began to form around the horizon. We made ourselves comfortable in a nice little private area, and sat on a beach recliner. As we sat silently cuddled against each other, I felt a ring slip on my finger. A bit surprised, I looked at my tiny finger and a green shiny ring wrapped around it, I asked, “Are you proposing?” He looked into my brown eyes, and said nervously, “If you will have me, I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.” I smiled, I nodded and excitedly I replied, “Of course!”
We kissed and sealed the deal.
My future husband and I were in Disneyworld when this life changing moment happened. We spent the remainder of our little get away enjoying the shows and great food and beer, mostly sushi and beer. Yes, we are in fact sushi and beer whores.
It was a very exciting moment for us. A new adventure awaiting young love. Little did we know that the future held many obstacles and lots of learning curves. The cliché that love is blind is more true than we give it credit for. I am not referring to one another, but referring to the blindness of the changes we had to endure and the many people it would effect- specifically my two teenage children.
A few months later, we were expecting a little one.
We were married on April 5, 2014.
The ceremony was small, taken place at his parents beautiful back yard. My wonderful and very charismatic brother-in-law had the privilege of uniting us in holy matrimony, making it even more special for us.
The reception was suppose to be taken place in our back yard, and if you are a local New Mexican, you know very well that we don’t have smooth transitions into our seasons, so it was a cold and windy day, and the party had to be moved into our house.
Unfortunately, it just wasn’t the day that was cold and windy, since not everyone agreed with our union. There were a lot of hurt feelings and confusion after our wedding, and it is too painful to write about.
Our first year of marriage brought together two children, a new baby, a move to new jobs, and trying to find a rhythm to our new family. After our little one was born, I fell into a depression and it was difficult to understand, much less find that rhythm.
Blending a family is one of the most difficult transitions in my opinion. When there is opposition it makes it even more so. Dan and I did not have a honeymoon, instead we found ourselves in the office of a marriage therapist, working through all the issues we were facing, it wasn’t that our marriage was already in trouble, it was more for guidance and a safe place to express our hurt and deep disappointments. If you read my post on Body Image and Postpartum Depression you will see that I was very disappointed with how my labor went.
I have no problem announcing that we went to a therapist, because I am a huge believer that when we need help of any kind, we should seek it and embrace it, we need to stop this stigma that going to therapy is a shameful and embarrassing event.
Marriage is hard, it is also mysterious, as well as the biggest blessing to mankind. Our society is confused when it comes to monogamous relationships and what the purpose for marriage is. I certainly don’t have the answers, but given that I have been divorced twice, Dan once and knowing several people who have gone through divorce, it is clear that we just don’t understand dating, relationships and marriage.
What I am about to say is only MY belief. It may upset some people, I may be judged for this belief, but I need to express it. You do not have to agree with me nor take what I say as gospel truth, because I am trying to figure out stuff and I certainly don’t have the answers to life’s most pressing questions. When it comes to dating and marriage I have observed a few things that are rather bothersome. The biggest one is this idea that we were not meant to be monogamous creatures. I understand that we may be attracted to other people and notice others, however, to go further with those feelings is where we get in trouble. Flirting, going to nude bars, sharing intimate moments with another is a form of infidelity. When Dan and I were dating I expressed to him my disregard to porn and strip clubs when it comes to being faithful. Like I said, this is only MY belief.
In the movie “Brave Heart” Mel Gibson plays William Wallace, a Scottish man who leads a rebellion against the oppression and abuse of the British reign. If you haven’t seen this movie, I highly recommend it- very romantic as well as violent and gory. A win- win movie date night. What I fell in love with the most about Mel Gibson’s character is how much he loved his wife. So much so, he married her in the night, in secret, so that the British soldiers would not rape her. Part of the abuse the British committed to the Scottish was raping their wives on their wedding day. William Wallace did not want to share is wife sexually with another man. So they kept their union a secret in hopes to have her all to himself. And just like William Wallace, I do not want to share my husband sexually with another- this includes physically as well is in the heart and mind. For my husband to go to a club to have another woman rub her chest on him and turn him on sexually is not my idea of a faithful relationship. I truly understand that for some couples it is no big deal, and that is fine, but it doesn’t work for us. I love the idea that sex is something that Dan and I share exclusively with no other person on Earth. I find it very romantic.
I bring up this point, because our society has accepted infidelity as a part of life. In some cases they make it seem as if it is exciting and invigorating- and then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high.
Of course that isn’t the only reason for divorce. Why someone choses to divorce their spouse is nobody’s business. Just as who someone marries is no one’s business. The only time it is someone’s business is if there is abuse involved.
Dan and I had a lot of learning to catch up on. We had to do a lot of stepping back from our circle of family and friends for a bit to try and figure out our way. Not to mention what an asshole my depression was-isolation and anger galore. We lost some friends a long the way and it’s hard to be away from family. How do you explain that the isolation wasn’t personal in any way, but we really did need some time on our own to figure out what works for us?
What I have learned through this whole experience, is that relationships truly are as unique as the people in them. I learned that Dan and I love each other very much and we are willing to do what ever it takes to make our marriage work.
Our little family isn’t perfect, and we are still learning everyday what works and what doesn’t. So this year as we celebrate our 3 year anniversary, I am grateful for all the hardships to make us stronger and better than we would have been.
Dan- Thank you! Thank you for loving me and all our children, for choosing us and bringing us a smile to our faces. Thank you for working hard for us. Thank you for understanding me in ways no one else does, and choosing to still love me. Thank you for such a wonderful three years. I love you so very much.