Three years ago I gave birth to my third child. Three years ago. Time is so elusive. Joy, happiness, nostalgia, love and so many other feel good feelings are in the air. However, when I go back to think about three years ago, it wasn’t so happy or good feeling.
I was depressed.
“Was” being the key word here of course, but it doesn’t take away what happened to me when Avery was born.
All I remember is crying a lot. I remember being angry. I remember feeling bad all the time. What made it worse was the isolation. I almost ended my marriage. I seriously wanted to be dead.
Three years ago.
I’m so grateful for the love and the support around me to help me get through that dark time. I truly have the best husband!
In some ways, I experienced a birth of my own.
I walked into a therapist office and cried and pleaded for help. We started talking about my depression and started to unfold the burdens and pain I kept inside. Slowly and surely I began to feel like myself again.
I still take my Prozac religiously and I continue to work on my mental health with my therapist.
Friends, depression is not a choice.
Sometimes when depression suffocates you and takes over your life, you hurt the people around you.
I hurt some people during my period of postpartum depression. What sucks the most, is that sometimes those people won’t understand and they leave you. And sometimes they forgive you and hug you and say, “It’s going to be alright.” I believe that.
I don’t like to talk to about this part of me. I don’t like it because it makes me feel vulnerable, and imperfect. But ironically, talking about it, is part of my healing. Letting you all know that I struggle with this, that I try so hard to fight this battle, and although some days are better than others, somehow you knowing my battle, gives me the strength to fight even harder.
As I celebrate my daughter’s third year around the sun, I am beyond grateful for the love and lessons I have found. Even though there are some relationships in my life right now that are not completely mended, I continue to hold on to hope because I believe in the power of love, the power of forgiveness, and the power of letting go.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL!