For the last few days people have asked me what my resolutions or goals are for the New Year. I can’t quite explain why, but there is something about this year where I am not too keen on making resolutions or goals. The reality is I’ve been trying to achieve or maintain the same goals for quite some time now.
- To be a well respected teacher.
- To run my first marathon.
- I have a loving husband.
- I have a family that loves me and accepts me.
- I have friends that are loyal and bring so much laughter.
- I coach two running groups and have met some great people in that community.
- I still have a shit load of debt to pay off and my husband is not employed at this current time.
So as I sit here thinking about the past, and wondering what the future will bring, I find myself in a strange position- because even though my husband is not bringing in any income at this time, I have a sense of peace.
Life is always full of surprises, and in the end of the day, week, month and year- I realize that sum of my life is truly about the decisions I make. Every morning I make a decision to go to my workplace and do my very best to inspire and motivate young minds. Every time I encounter someone I make the decision on how to treat them. How they treat me, and they way I respond to that treatment is also a decision I make.
I decided to try and run a marathon, so I make a decision every day to get out of bed and run.
I decided to marry when I was 19 to only be divorced 6 months later.
I decided to have a baby at 21 with someone I really didn’t know that well.
I decided to divorce when my kids were very young- it hurt them deeply.
I decided to go back to school and get my Masters and become a teacher.
I decided to go out on that date and eventually say yes to marriage once again.
Everyday I decide how I am going to live my life. Sometimes the outcomes are not what I expect. Sometimes the outcomes are direct consequences to my decisions. Sometimes the outcomes are sweet and wonderful. What I have learned the last few years on my journey is that I have no control over the outcomes. I can try to control it, but it only mocks me and reminds me that I have no power on how the outcome will be.
You see I would get angry with God, the Universe, because I would pray for a specific outcome and when I was denied that request, I threw my hands up in protest and marched off with depression and anger.
Now I pray to listen. I pray for guidance. I sit in silence and feel the gratitude that is my life.
If my only prayer from now on is to say “Thank You” that would be enough.
I cannot dictate to God or the Universe to cater to my wants and needs.
This year is going to be more of the same- I may carry a little more weight than usual or I may decide to eat better and keep running. I may or may not achieve paying off all my debts this year. I may or may not run my marathon faster than Oprah- but I sure hope I can!
What I do know is that I will continue to love the people around me, and to best person I can be- I’ll just have a little more grey hair and wrinkles from all the fun I am having!