The In Between

Sometimes we focus so much on the outcome we forget to see what is right before us. Sometimes we feel so much regret of the past that we can’t focus on what is on our nose. We spend a lot of our thinking in the past, and a lot of our planning for the future. We forget that life lives between the two. We’ve heard it so many times- live in the present moment. Fuck, that’s hard!

So we finally heard from the Natural History Museum, and Dan did not get the job.

Naturally we were disappointed. In some ways, we really, really wanted him to have that job. We planned, we talked and we lived as if he would get this job.

Life is funny that way. It never seems to go the way you want it to. Damn it, why can’t we just control everything- make everything the way we want it?

We thought this delivering pizza gig was going to be a side gig, not the main gig. We planned ahead, recounting our dreams of the future. You, know retiring with a million dollar net worth, traveling the world and making a difference in other peoples lives.

Instead, we find ourselves in the in-between space. The space between our dreams and our reality. The space between our past and our future. The space where waiting is the only faith we can muster.

It is so hard to live in the moment when disappointment hits you. At least it is for me.

This morning I experienced my first real panic attack. I sponsor Student Council for the school I work at and we meet Tuesdays, before school starts, at 7:15 A.M. I had a guest speaker come in to help us do a fundraiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. Just before dismissal, the whole room went black! I felt dizzy and my chest felt heavy. When I was able to catch my breath, the entire room was fuzzy and spotty. I thought maybe I was going to pass out. I took a few deep breaths and a few seconds later everything became clear again.

Then by lunch time, a migraine attack.

I’m not handling this life thing very good.

I spend a lot of time regretting my past- mostly I keep beating myself up for the rift that we have with my brother-in-law. I blame myself and carry a lot of guilt with that. Have you ever done that? Kept telling yourself that you could have done things differently? Do you ever have conversations in your head and wish you could have said something that you didn’t, or kept your mouth shut when you opened it? Yeah, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

I also spend a lot of time feeling that I am not a good mom to my son. I feel so detached and uninvolved in his everyday life.

If I’m not thinking about that, I’m thinking about the future. Paying off all the debt we are in, and working hard to do so. Planning, planning and more planning.

On top of that, the pressure of being an exemplary teacher, and crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s that comes with teaching. Which by the way, I am not. According to the evaluation I am only Effective. Not Highly Effective or Exemplary- just meh.

Life is fucking hard when you live in the past or the future. So much time wasted on fantasy- because face it, spending time in the dark past and the unknown future is just that- fantasy!

There is nothing I can do about the past. I cannot control the outcome of the future. All I can do is live in the in-between.

It is in the in-between we see the good.

It is in the in-between where we develop character.

It is in the in-between where we practice the skills we want- kindness, assertiveness, patience, forgiveness.

It is in the in-between where we teach our body to run 26.2 miles or 1 mile.

It is in the in-between where we find joy and laughter.

It is in the in-between where a group of people will share your story and support you emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

It is in the in-between where we discover new talents and gifts- like delivering pizzas and writing about your life.

It is in the in-between where we build our trust in God, whoever you believe her to be.

And the biggest lesson for me, is that God is not a magical genie from an ancient lamp to fulfill my every desire. Sometimes God says yes to our prayers, and sometimes he says no. And then sometimes there is only silence.

It is there in the silence, in the waiting, in the in-between that displays where our trust really lays. I realized that my trust was in the outcome, not in God, otherwise, I would have seen what was right before me– love, hope, forgiveness, and support.

Thank you all for that support! We love you.

And we know God has something bigger and better planned for Dan.

Love Wins- Love Always

One thought on “The In Between

  1. Amanda Walker says:

    I feel you girl. Jeff and I have had great hope for his job since we moved to NM. Your right it’s damn hard. It still hasn’t happened for him and it’s been 2 years. I have busted my butt like always and have realized the for now that’s just the way it is and that has to count for something. Your living life and so am I and sometimes being in the in between is where the most growth happens. Atleast for me that has been the truth for a few years. As parents we fail daily, as spouses we fail daily and as professionals we fail daily. The challenge is how we rise to the occasion knowing that we will fail but still continue to move on to success in other areas and eventually conquer the the challenges we failed. Continue to fight to good fight girl 🙂

    Like

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