Somedays Are Like This

Today sucked! For those of you who have had children, do you remember the strong feeling of love and protection you felt when you held your little one for the first time? Did you ever feel like you were going to knock the shit out of the doctor when they poked your little one with a needle because it caused them pain?

Today was one of those days. Stacy had her biopsy this morning and I hated that she had to lay on that sterile flat table while they poked her. She was already nervous, and when the doctor confirmed that a biopsy was necessary I could see the tears well up in her eyes. They begin to blurt out information to her and having her sign paper work, and all I can see is that my baby girl was upset. All I could do was hold her and plant seeds of courage. I wanted desperately to trade places with her.

We should get results by Tuesday. Until then we wait and hope for the best case. A benign mass that doesn’t need to be removed with surgery.

Worst case– well we can’t think about that can we?

What’s totally serendipitous is that I have been doing this book study Thursday night, in a small group called “Living Free” at Sagebrush Church. They’re small support groups for fucked up people like myself. This study is about fear. How to handle fear in our lives, because we can’t completely get rid of it that shit. (I’m cussing more than usual because I am PMSing, emotional, and had my own medical stuff thrown at me today as well, so I feel like cussing!) Anyway, the author, Steven Furtick, wrote this book, “Crashing the Chatterbox,” and how we can deal with the fears in our life. He suggests that we should think about our fears when they start to creep up on us. In other words, when the “what ifs” start playing roller coaster with your mind, you should face it and face it with a counter of faith. Here is an example. What if the tumor is not benign? That would be devastating. She would have to get treatment. She may need surgery. She’s been down that road before. She’s tough! She can do it! This girl will overcome this and I will support her and damn it–I’ll shave my own head in solidarity! No matter what happens, I know she will get through this. I know she will. She is a fighter, and she is strong!

I don’t understand friends. So much bad shit all around us. It’s easy to give in to the fears and then let them control us down the rabbit hole of darkness and despair. It takes faith to face the fear and know that somehow, in someway, everything works out. Somehow we come out of it stronger and wiser.

As her mommy I wish I could give her a life that is free of suffering and pain, a life that is smooth sailing. No troubles. Just like Nemo’s dad! Keep her in her room and never let anything bad happen to her, which means nothing will happen to her…

Meanwhile, I have been having issues with my bladder and after a consultation and exam with my doctor, she has ordered me to quit caffeine, alcohol, and chili. There may be a body in my backyard that has been fed to my chickens… just sayin. I think I need a new doctor! CHILI?!?! NO! I don’t think so bitch! Maybe I should move to Colorado!

Love Always

And Life Goes On

It is 10:00 and I should be sleeping.  And while I get to lay my head on my pillow in blissful sleep my husband will be out delivering pizzas so that our family can afford the lifestyle that we have created.  In reality, to pay all the bills and debtors and maybe we can have a little extra for some summer fun camping.  Funny story! I happen to find some cash in an envelope that was able to pay for our week in Red River. That envelope was found in a sewing machine that was purchased for me as a gift. It was bought in an estate sale. I highly recommend you try them out, but I can’t promise you that you too will find money in an envelope.

Funny thing is, every time there was a need there was some way it was provided.  The last few months have been trying, but they have also been miraculous. It’s crazy a thought, but sometimes I think it is better to have trying times, times that don’t make any sense because you truly come out of it a little stronger, a little more faith in God or the Universe, and sometimes in humanity.

When my husband comes home tonight, he will come home to a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, laundry that has been folded but not put in their rightful place, knocking pipes (because why not), and dusty shelves and dirty floors. He will also come home to beds that are warm with little children who are loved and safe, and on his pillow a note of encouragement, and canned beans on the kitchen counter, which explains the dirty kitchen, to help with the grocery bill. When he puts on his freshly pressed shirt, for his NEW JOB (we are still praying), the button that went missing will have been sewed backed on.

We are still waiting for that new job to come around. We are still waiting to have and get the results of my daughter’s lump. We are still waiting for the fucking pipes to stop knocking, and to have a good night’s sleep because at the end of the day, whether you are delivering pizzas or studying a broad, or writing that final paper, or teaching a class full of squirming children, life goes on, and sometimes you find cash in an envelope and sometimes you realize that no matter what, everything is going to be okay- and if it isn’t there is always wine… and maybe a life of crime!

Love Always