The In Between

Sometimes we focus so much on the outcome we forget to see what is right before us. Sometimes we feel so much regret of the past that we can’t focus on what is on our nose. We spend a lot of our thinking in the past, and a lot of our planning for the future. We forget that life lives between the two. We’ve heard it so many times- live in the present moment. Fuck, that’s hard!

So we finally heard from the Natural History Museum, and Dan did not get the job.

Naturally we were disappointed. In some ways, we really, really wanted him to have that job. We planned, we talked and we lived as if he would get this job.

Life is funny that way. It never seems to go the way you want it to. Damn it, why can’t we just control everything- make everything the way we want it?

We thought this delivering pizza gig was going to be a side gig, not the main gig. We planned ahead, recounting our dreams of the future. You, know retiring with a million dollar net worth, traveling the world and making a difference in other peoples lives.

Instead, we find ourselves in the in-between space. The space between our dreams and our reality. The space between our past and our future. The space where waiting is the only faith we can muster.

It is so hard to live in the moment when disappointment hits you. At least it is for me.

This morning I experienced my first real panic attack. I sponsor Student Council for the school I work at and we meet Tuesdays, before school starts, at 7:15 A.M. I had a guest speaker come in to help us do a fundraiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. Just before dismissal, the whole room went black! I felt dizzy and my chest felt heavy. When I was able to catch my breath, the entire room was fuzzy and spotty. I thought maybe I was going to pass out. I took a few deep breaths and a few seconds later everything became clear again.

Then by lunch time, a migraine attack.

I’m not handling this life thing very good.

I spend a lot of time regretting my past- mostly I keep beating myself up for the rift that we have with my brother-in-law. I blame myself and carry a lot of guilt with that. Have you ever done that? Kept telling yourself that you could have done things differently? Do you ever have conversations in your head and wish you could have said something that you didn’t, or kept your mouth shut when you opened it? Yeah, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

I also spend a lot of time feeling that I am not a good mom to my son. I feel so detached and uninvolved in his everyday life.

If I’m not thinking about that, I’m thinking about the future. Paying off all the debt we are in, and working hard to do so. Planning, planning and more planning.

On top of that, the pressure of being an exemplary teacher, and crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s that comes with teaching. Which by the way, I am not. According to the evaluation I am only Effective. Not Highly Effective or Exemplary- just meh.

Life is fucking hard when you live in the past or the future. So much time wasted on fantasy- because face it, spending time in the dark past and the unknown future is just that- fantasy!

There is nothing I can do about the past. I cannot control the outcome of the future. All I can do is live in the in-between.

It is in the in-between we see the good.

It is in the in-between where we develop character.

It is in the in-between where we practice the skills we want- kindness, assertiveness, patience, forgiveness.

It is in the in-between where we teach our body to run 26.2 miles or 1 mile.

It is in the in-between where we find joy and laughter.

It is in the in-between where a group of people will share your story and support you emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

It is in the in-between where we discover new talents and gifts- like delivering pizzas and writing about your life.

It is in the in-between where we build our trust in God, whoever you believe her to be.

And the biggest lesson for me, is that God is not a magical genie from an ancient lamp to fulfill my every desire. Sometimes God says yes to our prayers, and sometimes he says no. And then sometimes there is only silence.

It is there in the silence, in the waiting, in the in-between that displays where our trust really lays. I realized that my trust was in the outcome, not in God, otherwise, I would have seen what was right before me– love, hope, forgiveness, and support.

Thank you all for that support! We love you.

And we know God has something bigger and better planned for Dan.

Love Wins- Love Always

The Case of the “Stolen” Trumpet

About a week ago, my son came home looking distraught. I asked what was wrong. He had tears in his eyes, bowed his head, and said, “Someone broke into my car and stole my trumpet.”

My heart broke for him.

I was ready to find the person and kill them. I wanted revenge and I wanted desperately to buy him a replacement.

At first he told me that he didn’t want a replacement. That this particular trumpet was the world to him. He played in his first All State Concert with it, after all. He practiced until he made first chair in his school band. This trumpet was not some ordinary trumpet- this trumpet was sentimental, it was his baby.

For the first time in his young life he had found something he loved and something he was really good at.

I knew that we did not have the means to replace it. If we did it wouldn’t be until months, or maybe a year until we could.

He looked at me and said, “What about the Drum Choir?” “What about summer Band Practice?” Then he just cried, and I just held him.

All I could do at the moment was call the police and clean that car! It was disgusting. So disgusting I don’t even feel right posting what the Son of a Bitch did to it!

It took every ounce of humility to start a Go-Fund me account so we could have a new trumpet in his hands by the end of the week. Not to mention that two of my loving co-workers brought in a trumpet to borrow until we could get it replaced.

The amount of support we received was overwhelming, and very heart warming.

I went home on that Monday and I couldn’t wait to show him the trumpets he could borrow, and how we will get him a new trumpet by the end of the week, as a lot of our family and friends donated.

This time, his face was not distraught, and there were no tears in his eyes. All he could do was look at me and say, “I found it.”

“What do you mean you found it.” I was confused.

“I guess my friend had it.”


“I don’t know!” He probably could see the red coming out of my ears.

” You don’t know?” I asked very, very calmly of course.

“I don’t remember putting it in his car, mom.”

“So your friend had it, and you don’t know how, and now you have it back?”

“Yup,” he answered very nonchalant.

A bit of awkward silence.

“As long as you have it back.” I said.

Then I sat down next to him, in that stinky room of his, and I said, “You know son, there are a lot of people who love you and support you.” He nodded.

My son is not one with a lot of words, but I could tell he was touched.

Since then, he has been here with me.

You guys! After all of that, I had to claim the “trumpet was recovered” and many people were so ecstatic and excited and asked how it was recovered. I didn’t want to talk about it. Life is hard and we sometimes do some really messed up stuff. And sometimes we forget where we put our valuables.

After all that, there was no climax to the story- no guns were fired, no late night stake outs, no interrogating suspects. Just a kid who forgot where he placed his trumpet.

Thank you to all who gave so generously and without any judgement. Love truly wins.

And Thank you Prozac and Wine! You help me deal with teenage boys!

Love Always

My Heart My Soul My Spirit

My heart like the sun

burns with love and warmth.

Gives life, gives hope, gives light,

when gone only darkness- but then

the moon reflects its beauty

My soul is the moon.

The New Moon hides as

I hide my soul- safe and closed

Then the stars shine more brightly

The stars are my spirit.

The sun rises, the sun shines high, the sun sets,

The moon reflects, waning away,

Stars remind me, the darker the sky, the brighter they shine.

I am made of stars, and the stars are made of me.

~ RoxyJaecks

Bugs Bunny is Wise

It’s only February 23rd and it seems that 2019 has hit pretty hard. Everywhere I turn I see loss, illness, hardships. When we go through a season of difficulties, we must not lose hope. Whenever I hear bad news, or go though hardships, I always tell myself- this too shall pass. But most importantly I remind myself that we live in a broken world. There is not one person who is immune to the hardships of this life. If we have expectations that we can live life free of pain, suffering and difficulties, we are only setting ourselves up for disappointments- ON TOP of what we are going through to begin with.

Give life a break- forgive it for being what it is. Give yourself a break and know that life is a series of ups and downs.

Bugs Bunny said it best- “Don’t take this life so seriously, not one person has come out of it alive.” I have always loved that rabbit!

Life goes by too quick for us to be angry and bitter about our circumstances, instead we put on our big person pants, or we take a few days to mourn or get well and then we smile and try to help others along the way. Sometimes life hits us hard, and then it gives us beautiful rewards along the way.

Hang in there friend- this too shall pass, and know you are loved, even during this difficult time.

The Need to Lead

Four years ago I received an email asking if anyone was interested in helping out with an after school program. At the time, I thought, why not. I need a little extra money, and how hard will it be. I enjoy teaching and being around kids, so what’s an extra hour and a half after school?

I had no idea what the program was- so when I signed up I was told I would be doing a club called, Leadership.

I chuckled on the inside because I don’t consider myself a leader- in fact I saw myself as an ordinary, scared, quiet person. Fake it til’ you make it, was my strategy that first year of teaching it.

I thought it went pretty well- we hosted a campus clean up, visited Road Runner Food Bank, invited distinguished leaders in our community to speak to the club.

After the second year of teaching the club, I felt that it needed something a little more. I saw need. These kids were hungry for some kind of way to get connected to their peers, with their teachers, and with the community- even if they don’t say those exact words, I knew they needed something.

As I researched about Leadership and Leadership Clubs, Student Council kept appearing. I found the New Mexico Association of Student Council website and thought- Why don’t we have a Student Council here at our school?

I emailed my Principal and the After School Activities Director and they told me to go for it.

This is my second year at trying to teach, guide and lead these students to create a Student Council that will leave a positive impact for our school and community.

Let me tell you- it’s not easy. Not only is there obstacles to overcome, I have very little money, and very little time to invest in order to make this Council what I believe to be AWESOME!

After our weekend escapade to Farmington, New Mexico, to attend the State Conference, I reflected a lot about the word Leadership.

I sat in the stands with my members and listened to some amazing Key Note Speakers about life, hardships, teamwork, and of course leadership. One particular speaker, known as The Amazing Tei Street, spoke a lot about being amazing. There was one point in her talk where she asked the audience to remember a time where someone spoke ill words to them. A time where someone “close” spoke those words. She then asked them to be brave and courageous- to be vulnerable in a safe place- and to share those words with the rest of the assembly. I was shocked and mortified. I was amazed at how many of our kids shared those words with us. I heard stuff like, “You’re stupid” “You’re ugly” “You suck” “I don’t want you around” “You’re fat” “You’re too sensitive” “You’re a mess” “I hate you” “Go kill yourself” “You’re weird” and you get the picture.

I of course thought about the words spoken to me as a child from someone close to me- ” You’re worthless” “You’re so stupid” “You can’t do anything right” “What is wrong with you.” And just recently words like “You’re too nice” “You’re not family” “You’re a hypocrite.”

What I realized at that particular moment is how powerful words really are- I mean, not just some cliche about the power of words, but the internal transformation they have for each and every single one of us.

You see, we do internalize the words that are spoken to us. We can preach it and tell ourselves that words don’t hurt, but they do.

I grew up thinking I was stupid and not worthy. So I gave myself to men. I wanted to feel loved and worthy and for some stupid reason that was what I did to try and satisfy the desire to be something to someone.

And that is exactly what our youth are doing as well- trying to satisfy their desire to feel loved, accepted and cherished. To know that they belong.

I sat their listening to the speaker tell these kids that they were amazing. I think we need to tell the people in our lives just that. That they are amazing. Not out of obligation of course, but to let the people around us know that they are loved, cherished and accepted.

So what does this have to do with leadership? EVERYTHING!

Leadership is about stepping up to the plate when called. It doesn’t matter if you strike out, it doesn’t matter if you only get to first base, it doesn’t matter if you walk to first base, it doesn’t matter if you hit a home run, and it certainly doesn’t matter what the score is.

What matters is that you are part of a team. Leadership is not a solo gig- it has nothing to do with ego.

What matters is that you encourage your teammates to be the best they can be. Leadership is about empowering others- not enabling.

What matters is that you give your everything when it is your turn to step to the plate- Leadership is about being all in- it is not halfway.

What matters is that you give a helping hand to someone who needs it- Leadership is about service- it is not about winning or being right at what ever the cost.

What matters is that you forgive your teammates and encourage them when they fail- Leadership is really about unconditional love.

With keeping with my Baseball Analogy, the crowd, the spectators, and the people who are close to us, will criticize, will shout words of discouragement, will question our strategies, and of course complain.

There is a great quote in Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly… who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” – Theodore Roosevelt

When we step up to leadership of any kind- there will be complaints, criticism, and discouragement.

Life is funny isn’t it? Just a few years ago I never thought of myself as a leader. Suddenly I have an urge, a need to want to lead. It is true that I have NO CLUE what I am really doing with the Student Council at my school, and yes, it probably could be more awesome than it is right now, but I answered the call. I said, “Why not? I’ll do it.” And sometimes that is all it takes. Leadership is not a HUGE GRAND PRODUCTION, it’s just about being willing.

Our second Key Note Speaker- Sean Ritchel. He teaches at Atrisco Heritage. His message was how to turn our negative thoughts into positive action. Check him out when you get a chance, a true leader.

I suck at being a Teacher

I suck at being a Teacher.

I teach a population called “Gifted and Talented” Students.  What does that mean? It means that kids who have an above average IQ and who have above average cognitive abilities are placed in an advanced class with other similar kids to be challenged. That means my class sizes are smaller than the general education class.  My average class size ranges from 9-16 students. Sounds like a dream right?

I have had colleagues in the past give comments about how easy I have it.  I can see why they would think that.  Small class size with kids who are smart and motivated. Who wouldn’t want to teach under those circumstances?

What they don’t see, or more accurately, what they may not be aware of, is that these kids have their own kind of issues and problems they bring to the class as well. After all, they are just regular kids with regular problems.  They just process it more deeply, or analyze it in a more intellectual way which can cause a lot of anxiety.  Think about it. How does an 11 year old process the knowledge of the world when her brilliant little mind and imagination takes her to places that her peers won’t even recognize? When the gifted child realizes that her thinking is different than that of her peers, there is a sense of isolation. A sense of being different. Who then can this person talk to, and most importantly, who will understand them?

I could go on and on about the pshycology of the Gifted Child, but I would probably just bore you.  What I want to share with you today is that I really suck as a teacher. Here is why.

Our present system is one that is Teacher Centered. It is all about how well the teacher can present the content, AND how well the teacher can do so in a milliton different ways, because we deal with a million different little minds. We currently base Teacher Performance on how well our students perform on a standardized test. We currently place all of the responsiblity on the teacher on whether a child succeeds or fails.  When we get observed by our leaders, the observation is all about how the teacher talks, walks, presents, juggles swords on fire, with a full bladder, by the way, while making sure our little dolls are engaged with our teaching- in other words they are quiet and listening with no distractions, becuase the world is not full of distractions.

I suck because I don’t want that responsbility.  I am a limited human being with limited knowledge. I can only do so much. The truth is that I can’t make every student succeed in the definition of what our system defines success.

I have students who are underachievers. I have students who struggle with perfectionsism. I have students who have self-doubt. I have students with a variety of diagnosis from Aspergers to ADHD to Depression and Anxiety.

I have students who know WAAAAAAY more than I do about certain topics like technology and serial killers. No joke! But that doesn’t matter, does it?

And yet it is up to me, little ol’ me, to make sure that my students are performing academically. Do we not see or understand the enormity of that kind of responsibility?!?So we continue to make our Educational System all about the Teacher.

Somehow us teachers are to have a magic wand that will cure the diagnosis and make all of their social and private problems go away so that they can soak in every detail of what we teach. Oh, and we have to make sure they eat a well balanced meal, get enough sleep and build their self-esteem.  Teaching is hard people!!!

Do we have the answers to these pressing questions? Do we know what needs to be done to make education more viable?

I am not going to say I do have the answers, but I do know that we need to shift the responsibilty to the kids and their parents.  Somehow education should be Student Centered, not Teacher Centered. Isn’t that the whole point of education anyway? To guide, to inspire, to mentor, to facilitate? Yes, we have certain curiculum and standards that need to be taught, still, shouldn’t the students take more ownership? Perhaps if they are more invested in what they are learning and take charge on HOW they learn it, might give them a more sense of success, and self-efficacy.

This is the crux of the matter-  The world needs mechanics as much as we need doctors. The world needs artists as much as we need engineers. And most importantly, the world needs people who have strong work ethic!  The Teacher Centered model is one that spoon feeds kids knowledge that kids don’t want to swallow, unless the topic is one of interest. SO the solution to this problem is one that still keeps it Teacher Centered- DIFFRENTIATION!  -cough- -cough-  So we are creating, in a sense, people who don’t quite develop a good sense of work ethic, or pride, because the teacher is doing all the work!!!

Isn’t it a wonderful and amazing thing when we encounter a professional who actually works hard at their job and actually knows what they are talking about? How frustrating is it, when we have a business encoutner with someone who doesn’t work so hard? Or worse, they are incompetent. And when that happens lets just blame the teachers!

I do wonder, though, what would it look like if we did make that shift. If we, God forbid, allow the students to take ownership and responsibilty for their learning. What if, instead of placing an impossible role on the teacher as “teacher” we place the role of facilitator?

I know– That’s chaos. That’s crazy. That’ll never work. We will never know if we don’t try.

That is why I suck as a teacher. I suck because the testing data says so. And we all know that data doesn’t lie. I suck because if you put me at the center of other’s learning abilities, I will miss the mark!  I am not a good juggler.  I am, however, really good at drinking wine. Actually, I am really good at having my students develop the skills to think for themselves and to develop a love for learning. And everyday, I do my very best. Except when I can’t.

Love Always

This essay was in response the Professional Development I attended today.E


Glimpses of Good

Dear Friends,

When you have those days, weeks, months or years where life just hits you hard in the gutt, there are little glimpses of good just for you.

Sometimes it feels hopeless with no end in sight. You just want to hide and lock the door and just let it pass, but it doesn’t.

Every little fuckin thing just irritates you, and what’s worse is when you see everyone around you celebrating life. You feel alone. Not just alone, but so alone you can’t breathe.

And just when you can’t take one more bite of what life gives you, there it is.

A glimpse of good.

Maybe it is in the words of an old friend that was sitting on your night stand waiting for you to pick it up and read.

Maybe it is in the eyes of your little girl, and all she wants is to dance and twirl.

Maybe it is softly saying “good-bye” to that very person, or thing, or dream and releasing all that baggage.

And it wasn’t an accident. No. Nothing in this life is an accident.

That little glimpse was just for you. For you alone.

Then you can breathe a little easier.

The colors start to look sharp again. And what’s that? A little smile?

Life sometimes feels like one big giant scary toilet, ready to flush you down to some unknown abyss.

That’s when the those little glimpses become so real, so valuable, because you realize that you are stronger than you believe.

There was a time, when you rode your bike and you let go of the handle bars, and for that moment the wind in your hair, and the beat of you heart was all about trusting. Trusting that you will not let yourself fall. And if you did fall, you could pick yourself up and dust your feet.

All it takes is one sentence. One sentence to change your entire course. “We are sorry to tell you, but you are no longer employed… you are no longer healthy… you are no longer loved…you are no longer needed… your loved one has passed…”

Then what?

You keep on climbing.


Because the world needs little glimpses of good. And you may not know it now, or it may not feel like it, but YOU are a glimpse of good.

Your little light shines to help the other travelers find their way home.

That little light is your story.

Always unfinished, always turning, always unpredictable.

Either way, it is BEAUTIFUL!

Open your eyes. Squint if you must. Those glimpses are there. Around you, through you, and in you.

Love Always.